Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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