I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
