Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm getting married
To pizza
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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