I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
