i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
