bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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