So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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