I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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