FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
i drank out of a bidet.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
