nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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