I love black thongs
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
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