the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Randomize
