Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
We need to rekindle our bromance
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
