i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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