I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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