Soap is not a condiment
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
