No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
