Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
