nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Randomize
