i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
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He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
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She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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