After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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