Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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