The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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