I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
