I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
