fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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