Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
