Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
you inspire me to be a worse person
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
