btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
