he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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