i wish peter jackson would direct porn
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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