youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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