My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
