I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
