this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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