she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
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i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
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You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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