there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
