I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
