the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
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Strip Mario-Kart
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
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I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
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