Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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