Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
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She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
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I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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