FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
