Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
