We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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