Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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