Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
