The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
