he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
