I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
