Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Randomize
