Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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