Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
