Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
