these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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