the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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