i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
