After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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