When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
