I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
